Is There a Chaplain in the House?
If you are helping an elderly person choose an assisted care community, be sure to ask: Is there a chaplain?
This is not a minor detail. It is one of the essentials. Anytime you have a building full of elderly people, as you do in such a residence, you have a bundle of needs: physical, social, emotional, spiritual, mental.
For a whole year now I have lived in this home for the elderly, one designed for both independent and assisted care. In this home we have medical care, protection from the covid pandemic, good food, learning opportunities, fun activities, exercise, and opportunities for friendship.
We also have permission to express grievances and unmet needs. Group discussions have motivated the residents to ask that a professional chaplain be added to the staff. We know that some of our problems are not physical. In fact, our physical difficulties often create emotional and spiritual difficulties.
Yesterday, for instance, a former professional woman, proudly independent, had difficulty getting out of her dining room chair. Her legs did not want to push her up. A man who lives in an automated wheelchair, trying so hard to recover the use of various parts of his body after a stroke, admitted, because I asked, that he is not getting better. These are people who once made the world go around, now needing help from others.
Because we had snow, a woman told several friends at the dining table about the beautiful boots she used to have that were lost in her move to assisted care, just thrown by her family into the pile of stuff going to Goodwill. Though she rarely goes outdoors in any season, she stays angry about those boots.
The truth is, people here get worried, depressed, sad, homesick, lonely, resentful.
A little known fact of American life, one I was surprised to learn only recently is this: the highest suicide rate in the population is people 85 years old and up.
I always thought it was young people, teen-agers and college kids, who kill themselves. Of them I have said, “One thing goes wrong and they think it is the end of their world.” But no; it is the elderly. Everything is going wrong and they know it is the end of the world as they have experienced it until now.
The residents here have concluded that a chaplain should be a member of the staff, not a clergy person who comes in just to conduct a religious service. While that is good, an elderly community needs a chaplain who works by forming relationships.
Because of the way he/she knows the people, a chaplain will see many needs. Some people know they have these needs but will not ask for help, may not quite know how to ask for help. A chaplain will understand that not all of our pain responds to a pill. They will help us talk about these invisible pains and the fears, joys and questions that come to us now.
The chaplain will see problems and know how to help, for instance, when a very elderly person gets scared with no reason, when another roams the common areas looking for someone, anyone to spend a little time with her. The chaplain will recognize loneliness, be a friend and promote relationships.
A chaplain will notice those who have no visitors and feel that no one loves them, or realize that someone is bitter about being put here without a choice.
A chaplain will be present for a resident who is grieving and will sit with those who are dying.
A chaplain will help us deal with our regrets and remember our accomplishments, the things we are proud of, the positive aspects of growing old.
A chaplain may notice that someone is suicidal and know how to help.
A chaplain will remind us of deep truths and help us stay in touch with our faith.
More than people at any other stage of life, the elderly are whole human beings. Any home planned especially for them should recognize this and provide healing and help for the spirit as well as the body. Insist on it for yourself or your loved one.
Frances, I couldn’t agree more, as one who served twice as an interim chaplain at a long term care facility, and has been a volunteer chaplain at a couple of other facilities leading a hymn sing and worship service as well as visiting residents. Care of residents should include not only body, and mind, but soul too. Glad the residents are pushing to make it happen.
So beautifully said
And I think one of the most important staff that should be in a residential community
Thank you
Oh Frances, how eloquent. How – there’s no word in any of the languages I know for what this is. Wise, compassionate, all-inclusive. I’m not surprised that people of 85 and up decide to die. So many of us have nothing left but fatigue. I grieve for your friend whose family simply threw out things without going through them all with her. How uncaring. How insulting. Tell her, please, that I salute her for knowing she was wronged.
As you know, I am not formally of any faith (except that the earth is a living thing and will do what it will do, and most of it is beautiful or terrifying!). But when I came to your description of a chaplain, I wept. Such a person is, I hope by definition, concerned with the entire life experience of every living thing. Him- or herself not excluded. I would love to have such a person to turn to, even to offer my dwindling skills, if only I can say to a living being who won’t leap in with denial and reasons and chidings – that I am so very very tired.
I am writing daily hoping to get my “lesson” learned before I die. I’ve always said I had to live to be old in order to learn to live. But with this incentive, I am – tired. My son asked me if there was anything I wanted to “live over.” I said, “Do over and better? A thousand things. Just time? No, never never never.” He was upset – by some miracle, he loves me and wants me alive! But one day, I suspect, he’ll think of that moment and be comforted.
You are one of the people I think of and am comforted. Thank you.
Did you succeed in your community at getting one? I hope so. I love this blog and I think it should be posted in all the newspapers around the country. Send it to AARP and to Medicare people so that they demand it of nursing home facilities. Thank you for tackling a difficult but necessary topic. God bless you.
So well said, Frances, and I agree wholeheartedly. I am at that point as well and there is no such service in the Assisted Living facility where I am. Often all I need is someone to hear me and help ease my concerns. Everyone is so busy with cleaning etc. there is no one who will talk to you…about anything. I am giving your suggestion to the director and activities director here and hope they will consider my request. It would be so welcomed!!
Frances, you are my role model. I am 20 years younger than you are… and you are so productive, wise, and encouraging… you are an inspiration for how I may be if I live another 20 years. I don’t want to live alone, so have always said I will go to assisted living before anyone tells me that I need to move. Your poignant words reveal another aspect of communal living-decline and death- loneliness, grief. Stay well. Hugs.
I want to thank you for sharing so rawly your personal journey through these past few years. As I turn 70, I have been searching for “something”. By divine intervention (I think) I came across your recent book (and this blog). As I read and re-read your words I find some leaping off the page at me in seemingly large brightly colored neon text – hitting me hard – eliciting so many thoughts and emotions. I have been blessed by your courage and vulnerability — I will be holding “Helping Yourself Grow Old” close as my journey continues.
Hi Frances,
Well-said. As a pastor who has often led services at senior centers and visited church members who are residents, I clearly see the difference between a chaplain and a visiting pastor. A pastor only knows or sees his or her members or those who regularly attend services. In most communities there was a rotation of pastors that provided led worship, meaning that none of us came frequently enough to get to know many folks. Many of the staff are so busy with physical chores that they don’t have time even for a few kind words. I know we can’t ignore the economic realities, and elder care is already very expensive. I wonder if a smaller facility could combine chaplain and activities director. But a chaplain needs to have time for the outwardly unproductive task of just being there, observing, chatting and listening.
Love you always (and Wayne is still my ideal for me in retirement)
Is there a way to just print as a handout for a group setting? My iPad wants to print it on 8 pages, with all the extra things, and I can’t just have a simple page as it shows here! Want to read this together tomorrow for our group and send home! Thanks! Jane Miller
Dear Jane,
I am not entirely sure what the difficulty is.
I tried highlighting the text of the blog, copying it and then pasting in a document. This worked fine.
If you do this, then you can either print as many copies as you need or copy the one you printed. I hope it works. I am happy to have you read it in your group.
Blessings,
Frances Fuller