The Role of Family

Will I Get the Healthcare I Need? Part Two

(The names in this article are fictitious, while the characters and their experiences are real, though sometimes disguised.)

There are things an elder care community cannot do for its residents. Especially, it cannot take the place of family, not even in the realm of health care.

In an emergency the staff of a care home can call 911 or even provide transportation to a medical facility, but they cannot make decisions affecting the care of the patient.  For this reason, every resident in such a home must have an appointed “power of attorney” who can make decisions related to their care. A family relationship in this case is not necessary, though it is common for the responsibility to be in the hands of a son or a daughter, preferably someone who lives nearby and is accessible in a time of need.

The role of family, however, is far more extensive than legal authority.

In routine situations, a family member can be a practical assistant. For instance, when Lucille has an appointment with her doctor, she likes her daughter Beth to take her to the clinic.  In fact, the retirement community will provide transportation, but Lucille prefers to have someone with her in the doctor’s office. Beth will hear better and afterwards remember better what the doctor said. She is also a good notetaker. She records things in her phone. Sometimes she reminds Lucille of a question she has forgotten to ask. Of course, both Beth and Lucille know that it is Lucille who needs to relate to the doctor, and the doctor knows to address Lucille, not her daughter. They all agree that Lucille could, if necessary, keep the appointment alone, but Lucille admits that everything is less stressful when she is not alone.

A family member can be a lifter of spirits when no one else knows what to do. Debra knew that her Aunt Betty loved sushi. When the elder home reported that Betty was not eating, Debra delivered sushi. It worked! Betty was suddenly happy, hungry and grateful. She told everybody what a blessing Debra was. She felt remembered, understood, loved.

Sometimes a family member is a useful observer. Sherri noticed little things. Her mother didn’t get any coffee this morning; that’s why she still feels sleepy. Or she didn’t get her face washed; she never feels awake until she has wiped her eyes with a cool, wet cloth. Family knows the little things that matter. Sherri also noticed that ordinary service improved when she was able to show up frequently at the nursing home and mention kindly that her mother’s morning meds were sometimes late.

A family member can be important psychological support to a person who is not well.  The sick person may feel that half a dozen strangers have been in her room today; she may get confused about who they are. The presence of a familiar face, the face of someone in whom she has confidence makes everything better.

Sometimes only a family member can deliver comfort to the resident of a memory care ward. No one but his son Juan can do it for Miguel.  Juan, who knew what color to paint the walls of his apartment to help his dad feel at home, comes often, bringing a game Miguel likes to play. Without the distraction, Miguel will search all day for his wife, who has been dead for years. They eat together, while Juan jokes about everything as he always did at home with his two parents, and his dad eats well, feeling content.  Juan is grateful for the help his dad is getting in the care community, and the nurses there appreciate the way he reinforces what they are doing.

In the same memory care unit is a woman whose only daughter had to move to another state and cannot come often. The director of the unit found a way to keep them connected. The daughter calls at an appointed time, and he receives the call on a tablet which he passes to Margaret so she can both talk with her daughter and see her grandchildren. These contacts save Margaret from bouts of depression and restore the glow on her cheeks.

Gracie, who is 98, stood in the lobby of the retirement home, leaning on her walker, and told a newcomer, “My granddaughter is coming to take me out for a drive. She was just a kid with pigtails when I came here and now she graduated from college and has a job. I think she wants to show off her electric car.”  If wanting to live makes it easier to survive, Gracie has a chance of being here a while yet. On Wednesday night she looks forward to Thursday.

Common among the residents of a long term care community is the desire not to be a burden to family. Residents say this to one another when sharing how and why they moved out of the house where they were alone. But a major factor in the happiness scale is family. Sons and daughters who participate in their parents’ lives, grandchildren who visit, far away offspring who send pictures, call, text, remember, do make a difference. People who feel loved tend to take their meds, eat well, exercise, and believe in the future.

For sure love doesn’t kill cancer or stop a heart attack, but it might be the reason the sun comes up. Family is something to live for.